The Abyss

As we stood there

facing the abyss

I felt your hand squeezing mine

I heard your voice like a faint whisper but clearly

in the emptiness between time and time

That’s it – are you ready?

My hand squeezed back and I heard my own voice that time

You nodded and pointed into the darkness at my feet

I am scared

So am I

Will I see you ?

You will

Will I recognize you ?

From time to time

That’s not enough

It has to be

That’s not enough

It will be, you’ll see

And as you whispered those words

your hand reached out

and buried itself deep in my chest

The pain –  it pierced me in agony and ecstasy

In your hand pulsed a small light

Its beauty illuminated your face between then and now

Is it mine ?

It was

You said

Suddenly you throw it into the abyss

Shocked I try to catch it and jump into life

On Healing after Heartbreak

You can not heal as long as you do not acknowledge you have been hurt:

It is fall again, my daughter has just turned five – she is looking at our fridge where she points at an old picture of the boys, her father and me.
„Look, Mum, it is from back then when we were a real family!
When are we going to be a real family again?“

Damn, I feel as if I am going to cry, stay calm.
So I explain to her that there are many different kinds of real family- like our garden family, the neighbor kids, our friends- families with no parents just grandparents, families with two dads or two mums – families of people who love each other – no matter how they are connected. And I tell her that she is loved by both her parents – no matter where they live.
Still – she is sad and I can still feel pain. Why after so many years do I still feel that heart tearing pain. And then I realize I have never really accepted that I got hurt in first place- I had accepted that life had gotten so much more difficult, I saw that my kids ached. But I didn’t want to acknowledge that someone else had had the power to hurt me – because aren’t I a strong woman? I do not miss him so why should I still ache?
The answer is easy, right? Even you do not miss the person, you lost a huge part of your past identity or role and the gap left behind by the person.
Of course You are whole no matter if you are single or in a relationship but you need to fill the gaps and voids in your social system too- when we broke up, I lost much more than just one person – I lost contact with shared friends, neighbors and family too. And actually I lost my best friend with him leaving.
So the pain I feel … I think it is still there because I am still filling those gaps and it needs patience. I am not the most patient person in general, so sometimes it is easier to ignore those facts but it doesn’t help. Healing takes time, rebuilding your life, identity and social network can not happen over night.
So it is okay if I still keep struggling.
Pain can teach us to grow, we don’t need to carry it with us forever though. But to let it go we first need to face it is there.

Can you hear my voice?

Can you hear my voice?
It’s nothing but a whisper
But you have no choice
you’ll hear it anyway
Across the sea until it’ll reach your shore
Listen to what I say
Each day I love you more

May your heart be free
may your spirit soar
may you always see
that you’re destined to grow

Because you’re beautiful and dazzling and so immensely strong
and I want to see you fly up there – ’cause that’s where you belong
And I hear you whispering my name:
You and me – we are the same

10 Lives

As the night falls over Essen
ten complete strangers cuddle up next to each other
Waiting for a bus that never seems to arrive
Telling each other strange and sweet stories
About ten very different lives
Watching out for each other
Making sure that no one gets left behind 
Almost thinking we have been forgotten
We consider hi-jacking a drive 
Work and cousins -lovers, mothers 
Are waiting for us to arrive
After hours in the coldness in our social micro bubble we thrive 
That finally bursts with tears and laughter 
As our coach‘s lights approach the station
And we return again to ten very different lives

Words from the Heart

A couple of days ago I shared a very personal insight on facebook.
But I feel like it needed a more permanent place to remember that experience…

Here we go:

So yesterday night was interesting.
I went out to see the new Tarantino movie – I really liked it because *insert spoilers here*
But then when I went dancing looking my best – probably out for hunting – it hit me hard.
It felt like going back to my twenties – dressing up, dancing, seeing friends but somehow it just felt… seriously not worth all the effort. So I lied down and watched the moon.
And thought… so society has several models for us right – I went through one of those: wild years, love, settling down, work, kids… and then what happens to a lot of people… break up and being a single mum… but what are society’s models from here on?
Dedicating your whole being to be a single mum? Focusing on work? Building a new family- patchwork style?
Actually there are no satisfying answers to this question. I can not for the world picture myself living with a man anymore (the future might prove me wrong), I don’t care for affairs (now I have finally understood I am sexy and pretty and fun to be around or not). 
But then it dawned on me… I can be whatever I want to be – I have fulfilled the standard roles, I am going to raise my kids, yes with help of their dad and mainly friends…
But for me… I will be whatever I want to be and do my best at being my weird self. Sometimes mesmerizing, sometimes annoyingly insecure, sometimes full of laughter and then again full of tears. Maybe more balanced again as I understand what I can give to the community and mainly myself.
But first of all full of love and appreciation for those who are just there next to me as we all figure out where we are heading.
Love to all of you!