Die apokryphen Kurzgeschichten von Oscar Wilde sind voller duftender Rosenblätter, schimmernden Perlen und ungeahnten Wendungen. Sie erzählen von den Abgründen menschlicher Leidenschaften, der Gnade göttlicher Inspiration, dem Trost philosophischer Gedanken und dem Geschenk der Poesie des Augenblicks – für eine Stunde, die zum Träumen, Sinnieren und Genießen einlädt – ganz im Sinne von Elisalon.
My heart feels shredded and shredded again, seems like there is nothing left but the bloody mud of its remains I wonder – should I put it in a mold and bake it? Eat it and hope by devouring it, it might grow back again in the ripped open cage of my body? Or shall I put it in the freezer and suck it like a lollypop once it is frozen? I still have hope… Maybe I won’t lose myself completely Though after all these years – I wonder what is left of me for real? But once I mention my pain and fears – you raise your eyebrows and wrinkle your nose as if my exposed weakness is a stench you can barely bear And when I cry and beg you feel offended and injured Me protecting my boundaries is the worst offense and crime one can commit against you I wonder what kind of heart resides inside your body – or has it been ripped out too? Long ago and there is just that hollow cave left haunted by the ghost of your humanity? Or has it turned into stone for real? Must be a heavy burden But maybe that is why what you call kindness and charity weighs so heavy on my chest I can barely breathe? Maybe that is why I feel what you call love feels like a stone tied to my leg and – help God – I can barely stay above the water? But well – you talk of love and sacrifice and solidarity But have no second thoughts nailing anyone to the cross or bed – well knowing They can never rise from the dead – no matter how many days they are given. Dressed up selfishness posing as good will to gain my trust A fake smile of well calculated friendliness to show the world that your intents are the purest shade of white But my pain becomes words and my words become a weapon, my voice becomes my armor and if I can not move or change you, at least I know my core is safe from you The spell is broken Your pattern has no hold and is blown away And I still stand here – whole, lovable. At least my humanity is restored.
You can not heal as long as you do not acknowledge you have been hurt:
It is fall again, my daughter has just turned five – she is looking at our fridge where she points at an old picture of the boys, her father and me. „Look, Mum, it is from back then when we were a real family! When are we going to be a real family again?“
Damn, I feel as if I am going to cry, stay calm. So I explain to her that there are many different kinds of real family- like our garden family, the neighbor kids, our friends- families with no parents just grandparents, families with two dads or two mums – families of people who love each other – no matter how they are connected. And I tell her that she is loved by both her parents – no matter where they live. Still – she is sad and I can still feel pain. Why after so many years do I still feel that heart tearing pain. And then I realize I have never really accepted that I got hurt in first place- I had accepted that life had gotten so much more difficult, I saw that my kids ached. But I didn’t want to acknowledge that someone else had had the power to hurt me – because aren’t I a strong woman? I do not miss him so why should I still ache? The answer is easy, right? Even you do not miss the person, you lost a huge part of your past identity or role and the gap left behind by the person. Of course You are whole no matter if you are single or in a relationship but you need to fill the gaps and voids in your social system too- when we broke up, I lost much more than just one person – I lost contact with shared friends, neighbors and family too. And actually I lost my best friend with him leaving. So the pain I feel … I think it is still there because I am still filling those gaps and it needs patience. I am not the most patient person in general, so sometimes it is easier to ignore those facts but it doesn’t help. Healing takes time, rebuilding your life, identity and social network can not happen over night. So it is okay if I still keep struggling. Pain can teach us to grow, we don’t need to carry it with us forever though. But to let it go we first need to face it is there.